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Rant 2008 [Jul. 21st, 2008|12:47 pm]
[Current Location |bed]
[Internal voices |distresseddistressed]
[External sound |tv]

Wow. Who knew livejournal kept these things around so long. Literally years and years of inuse. But I am glad these old postings are still here. To reflect on. Or am I. Damn. Years later and I am still in the same place in life. Dealing with what the fuck my future will entail. Worrying about the MCAT again. Medical school. But it is so much worse now. I am so much worse now. I am glad that no one seems to use livejournal anymore so I can just write and post with little risk of embarrassment if I am just as blunt and truthful as I desire. I fear depression these days. I often battle self destructive tendencies. Sure mundane things like wanting to drink at night, smoke pot, smoke cloves even though I don't really like them. Sometimes I think about more serious things though. I have two sides to me these days. Wait three. One.. I really want to become a healthy person. Mind body soul. I have been going to the gym, going for runs. I am back into karate and I love it. totally serious about advancing in the martial arts and competing in jui jitsu competitions. I want to meditate and stretch and be happy with myself. serene. content. fit. healthy. Second. part of me wants to give up. Run away. just go. I am so confused. I still don't know who I am. What I want to do with my life. I don't have the commitment to do what needs to be done. My vast opportunities are just slipping through my fingers. I am so angry with myself. I hate myself. Third. The outward person.  The one I show to others . The one who is studying everyday (yeah right). The one who knows what career she wants. My mom thinks I am already graduated (I still have five credits because I had to withdraw from a class in 2006). The single girl looking for love. I don't even love myself. How can I when I cheat myself everyday and lie to everyone. FUCK, I DO want to go to medical school! Yes. I want to be a doctor. I AM smart enough. What is wrong with me. I am just so sad. what am i going to do? I have one month before the MCAT. Can I really be prepared by then? No. I fucked it up. But I have to try. But this cloud sitting on my shoulders just won't move on. Please blow away. I need some clarity. Even the positive in my life has recently failed me. Fucking men. Randy was never so confusing. It was so easy to be with him. But yeah, easy is not enough. Not nearly enough. Too Bad. I don't even mind being single but shit I have so much to offer and no one even knows I'm here. Fuck I shouldn't even be concerned with that right now. Not when I sit inside looking out. literally. and I know how beautiful it is out there. I love the green. The feel of the breeze. But here I sit. hating.  I just don't know. Maybe this depression has been heightened and dramatized a bit from the half starved fever battle I've just overcome in the past couple days. Well, I'm gonna go whip up some soft lunch and see how much my throat will allow me swallow this time.
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acidosis can kill [May. 4th, 2005|10:25 am]
[Internal voices |thirstythirsty]

JOB ???? JOB!!!!! Must find JOB. Where are you JOB? Please show yourself! I've never been so utterly broke in my life. Any money I come across goes into the gas tank or into my landlord's pocket. It's so fucking frustrating. And finals are next week. Fuck fuck fuck. I just need a JOB. anybody know where I can earn money? I'll do anything. But I can only work for a month. I don't think I will tell anyone that part though. Money that is owed to me will soon be repayed and I DO NOT want to be the one in debt (well aside from my tremendous school loans, but I don't have to worry about those for another five years or so). When I move to Nashua, NH I will have to find a job down there too. I saw that Headlines was hiring (working there would be the fucking shit!!) but they probably don't want to hire someone parttime who can't work weekends and will be going on tour half way through July. In fact who the fuck will want to hire me?? I have practice every night from 6 to 10 during the week and on top of that I have to try volunteering at some hospital since apparently that is really important when applying to medical school. Oh yeah I have to figure out where I want to go to medical school this summer too and then apply. And get recommendations from teachers, and write a personal essay. ( and maybe study for the MCAT in august?)

Ok now with the optimistic parts of my life...A) I am getting good grades. I was the only one to get a 100 on my pathophysiology test. I got the highest grade in my anatomy and physiology lab. I think I will get all A's and a B this semester. B) I am doing Spartans, which is all around pretty positive. C) Summertime is coming and it is really nice out today. I can't wait to go kayaking. D) I'm gonna get laid tonight. E) My mom is really nice and is going to give me the rest of the money I need for rent, and she got me gas yesterday. F) I love my apartment even though it causes me great financial anxiety. G) I have a glass of leftover wine in my refrigerator. H) My boyfriend loves me very much and we don't fight. I) I'm in good health and have a loving family. J) I have a roach I can smoke later. K) I have great friends. L) John from Amatos just called and I have an interview at 3 oclock on thurdsay. Hooray! (kinda?)

I have to go study now.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|11:47 am]
[Internal voices |boredbored]
[External sound |Glassjaw]

Well, it has been a really long while since I have written anything here. I know that no one reads this journal (probably for the better) but I like having something constructive to do in my free time at school. Free Time. Ah yes, that's why I haven't written anything. But the MCAT is finally over. No, I didn't stop smoking pot, but I guess I cut down a little when crunch time rolled around. Good enough for me.I am not sure if I will end up taking it over again in August or not. I don't get my score back until June so that is when I will know if I did well enough or not. Either way, I know I didn't get the best score I am able to achieve. I just didn't study enough over all. My goal is to get a 30. so far the highest score on a practice test I have gotton is a 27. Which isn't really too bad, but since my GPA isn't the best I need to really impress them with a good MCAT score. So yeah, we'll see.

I have decided to definitely do Spartans DBC this summer. Even though I really can't afford it and I have to find a way to keep paying for my apartment while I live in New Hampshire all summer. Plus I have to pay $50 a week to live with a family down there. So I guess I will spend my days working at some hypothetical well paying job and then practicing all evening, until tour anyway. But even though I am out of shape I am really glad to be doing drum corp. Not only will I get into better shape, (and get a great tan for the first time in a long while), but I am finally playing music with a group of people again!! It has been a while since I have played a brass instrument and I am playing second soprano. So It is a bit of a challenge but that is what I wanted. Everyone in the corp seems really really young, but I know there are some cool people to get to know. I like the discipline of drum corp, and the challenge to reach for and push yourself towards. I want to win the gold so bad, I hope we can pull it off. They did it last season, but there have been a lot of age outs. But the show is spectacular and probably harder than what any other div II corp will have. (That's what uncle Pete is saying, but we'll see). We have a camp this weekend and we will finally be learning some drill, 28 sets actually. That is really cool. ugh, I'm gonna be so sore sunday night, but that's what it's all about.

finals are right around that corner, but what do I do in class besides hopelessly not paying attention? write poetry...

the gate swings silently on frictionless hinges
forever silently swaying
the passage is short and anything but sweet
the endless waiting takes a lifetime
if you're lucky
yet many easily slip past when no one is looking
and there are those who are dragged inch by inch
before succumbing to the silent and deadly woes of those before them

(I was so pissed that my buncha crunch got stuck in the machine .75 is a lot of money when you're broke...)

wrestles reason
nestles pain
it is complex and surprising
it's desireless whispers prompting thoughtless actions
it is gripping my heart
and there's no easy way out
I ride the destructive wave.
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Bored in class and writing random bits [Mar. 15th, 2005|03:28 pm]
[Internal voices |creativecreative]
[External sound |frogstomp preplaying in my head]

Ultimately a selfish endeavor
where passionate moments revealed hidden desires
endless possibilities thwarted in minutes
and cast into obscurity by societal demands.
Dreams don't fade easily however
and time never stands still.
There is no room for regret,
but guilt reigns nevetheless.

(and probably not for the right reasons)
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Fucking Hilariousness [Mar. 15th, 2005|03:22 pm]
[Internal voices |amusedamused]
[External sound |Nadda- clickety clack of numerous computer lab goers]

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stellas are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
**5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
**5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
**5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
** 4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
**3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. ****2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
***1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and > calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. > Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 > plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

OMG. who knew???
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(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2005|12:23 pm]
[Internal voices |excitedexcited]
[External sound |Deftones]

Going to see Sage Francis Saturday!! Going to see Sage Francis Saturday!! Hooray! It's gonna be great. And I got a ticket for Seanny-Mo so he can enjoy too! Unfortunatly I have a practice MCAT that goes until four, soooo, I don't know when the concert starts but I hope it is a reasonable time after that....

I really don't like that my nightmare before xmas chick face thing sticks her tongue out repeatedly when I choose "excited" as my mood. I mean, that really isn't applicable.
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2005|12:00 pm]
[Internal voices |anxiousanxious]
[External sound |Dancefloor Genius]

I am very excited to see the gentlemen from Oregon. They're gonna be here tomorrow!! hooray! Kinda. Cuz' it does suck that things didn't really go as planned (or did they know it might end up this way?) In any case now they know what they are up against and will be prepared for it when round two comes along. Hopefully they can eventually play some of their fucking crazy awesome music for people who aren't their friends. We don't deserve to be the only ones listening. Its not fair all around.

I've decided to try to stop smoking pot. Or at least not smoke so much. It really does deteriorate any potential motivation to work out, study, and eat well. I really need my body to be healthy all around. The MCAT is coming up sooo soon and I have to get my ass into gear. I need the clarity of mind that comes from a good meal, the relaxation that comes after a good workout and the esteem boost that comes after battling my studies and reaching the beautiful plateau of complete understanding and long term storage. I mentally and physically neeed these things. I need to be in tiptop physical and mental shape when I take the grueling eight hour MCAT. I don't know anyone who has had to prepare for a test like this. It combines every biology, general chemistry, organic chemistry, physics, and writing class I have had in college (and I am a junior)- takes all the tests I have had in those classes, puts all the information into one big test and then gives you eight hours to complete it all. Everything I have learned in those classes has to be recall-able, and understood completely. Since I have had some not so good grades in a few classes (aka. C's in organic chem, and one C in bio lab), my GPA is not in tiptop shape. This means that I HAVE to do very well on the MCAT to get into a decent med school. And so far I have not been fair to my lifelong dream by smoking pot every night, becoming unmotivated to do anything other than watch tv and fuck around, and not finding the physical potential that lies somewhere beneath the depressive exterior.

Well, that definetly needed to be written down. Time for Pathophysiology.....
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(no subject) [Jan. 3rd, 2005|10:40 pm]
[Internal voices |aggravatedaggravated]
[External sound |surgery show on tv]

Sometimes, I don't know what my problem is. Why I don't do the things I know I should or even want to do. Like keep in touch with friends. I'm always thinking, oh I should call this person and see how they're doing. Or god forbid try to get together with one of them and actually do something (yeah I still have three xmas presents I haven't given yet). then of course, homework. I know I have to do something, but i just don't. fuck. I have always been a procrastinator but not so extreme. I am so happy to be on vacation but I need to be studying for the MCAT. I know I have to, I know I should, I even want to a little bit. But the laziness sets in and I put it off. Well that is what I am calling it anyway, laziness. the reason I don't go bike riding, or swimming or the other things i want to do but don't for some reason. Like I said I don't know what my problem is.

Sometimes I find myself getting depressed about something. But I have no right. I have a good life. What the fuck do i have to complain about that I can't change with a little effort. ugggg. fucking laziness. fucking pot smoking. i think the counselor I saw for a couple months when I was in 11th grade had a valid argument when she said marijuana wears away one's ambition and motivation. Well no new years resolutions for me this year. What's the point?
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Happy January third two thousand five [Jan. 3rd, 2005|10:09 pm]
[Internal voices |relaxedrelaxed]
[External sound |Cake - Prolonging the Magic]

Well the apartment is all mine now. Elisia has probably arrived in San Diego today. I feel strangely more comfortable here now. I mean, I always thought I was totally comfortable here, but now that it is actually MY place, I have come to a new level of home relaxation. Of course for a few days I had no furniture or silverware among other items that just about every apartment would have, but I think I have pretty successfully scavenged for the necessities. (Oh yeah, I really need a microwave though.) On the other hand I really miss Elisia. She has become such a close friend (well we've been friends for 6/7 of my life, but up until I moved in we didn't really hang out that much) and I don't really know when I will see her again. Hopefully for my 21st birthday I can make it out there and we can party it up. I am sooo happy that Seanny mo has come to visit. No one told me he was coming down and I was completely shocked to find him sitting on Randy's couch one random day. so shocked. I hope I get so hang out with him before he leaves and I hope Tim and Brendon had some good seasonal celebration.
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One third of our country is immobile, that's right folks they are indefinetly frozen in space. [Dec. 3rd, 2004|08:03 pm]
[Internal voices |busybusy]
[External sound |Rainbow 6 (guns, footsteps, some music)]

In my anatomy and physiology class the other day we were talking about the frozen addicts. These are people that have shot up a specific bad batch of heroin. They take on the characteristics of late phase Parkinson's sufferers, worst of all immobility. So within a short period of time after using the heroin, they become frozen. They cannot move AT ALL, but they are completely aware of their environment. We were learning about a particular case with five people involved. Two of these people (brothers) used the drug and almost right afterward became frozen on the floor of their apartment. They were there for about four or five days before becoming unfrozen. One other guy became frozen and missed his parole meeting. So he was brought to jail (he was unfrozen at this point). When he became frozen again they thought he was just fooling around to get out the cell and whatnot. So they were like burning him on his hands and poking him with pins and shit to get him to move but he remained absolutely expressionless. Eventually the whole story came out and they recieved treatment, but it only lessens the sympotoms and they still become randomly frozen. So the brothers were robbing a house one time and as they were climbing the fence to get away one of the guys became frozen and got stuck on the top of a fence. He couldn't get down so the police came and placed him sideways into the cop car.
So that is some weirdness. Drug induced severe Parkinson's disease.
Well back to homework, man have I got sooo much to do.
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